Train Wreck

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,” says the LORD. Jeremiah 29:11- 14

Recently, I’ve been having the same dream two or three times a week. I dream that I am traveling by train through the American Rocky Mountains. The scenery inspires me and the service on board spoils me. In my dream, I retire to my sleeper one night only to awake before dawn and find myself alone on the train. I go back and forth throughout the train hoping to find someone else. No one is there. I make calls from my cell phone and from other phones I find on the train. No one answers. Worst of all, the train continues to move down the track as if everything were normal. I am abandoned.

I work my way to the front of the train, where I find an overwhelming maze of switches, dials, levers and buttons. I’m afraid to touch them. I might make a mistake. I fear what’s going to happen when it occurs to me that a crash is inevitable unless I do something. So, I begin to work the controls back and forth, but nothing works. The train, neither slowing down or speeding up, continues unabated on it’s way. This goes on for hours until I finally give up. There is no stopping this train. Exhausted and defeated, I stop manipulating the controls. The end is coming.

At this point in my dream, I sit myself down and look out the forward looking window. I stare, searching the horizon, because I know the end is coming and I want to be prepared. The scenery ahead has an intoxicating beauty. It seems strange to die in such a wonderful place. Sadness washes over me. There was so much more I meant to do. I missed the many people who loved me and I wanted more time to love them back. I thought of the people who despised me. I will never be able to prove them wrong now. I am powerless to change the past and that hurts me beyond words.

My dream is real to me, although it’s really not about a train. It’s about my life as it is today. My life is slowly unraveling due to financial circumstances that are beyond my control. For me, the economic downturn started about two years ago when I noticed the pace of my business was slowing. Concerned, I got advice from two well respected economic experts from my industry. They assured me business would turn around in less than a year so I made my plan to weather the storm. I cut back on expenses, dipped into savings, and when that ran out I started tapping credit lines I had established years before. I reached out for new work. Nothing. I offered new services. Nothing. I sought employment. Nothing.

Today I find myself broke, confused, somewhat depressed, sometimes anxious and always tired. My credit cards are maxed. Bank tellers don’t smile at me anymore. My neighbors make jokes about me not going to work and people at church ask me how I’m doing with a pitying and patronizing tone.

Sometimes I prefer my dream over my reality. At least in my dream I know the end is not too far off. I know it is coming. But in my real life, I have no idea when things will turn around or even if they will. This is where I should tell you about the rest of my dream.

Back on the train, I continue to look forward out the window as peace washes over me and mixes with my sadness. I know what the end is going to be like in a general way. It’s going to hurt a bit to say the least. My life as I have known it is going to change. Thinking about this reminds me of what a friend once said to me. He said, “No matter how good things are and no matter how bad things get, one thing is for sure, things are going to change.” Not sure why, but I am buoyed emotionally when I remember my friend saying this to me. He always has a simple and warm way of embracing the unknown, and I love him for it. Truth comforts me, even when it doesn’t feel good.

I don’t know what my future will be like. But, I do know that things will be good - very good. What happens to my business and finances is not the most important thing anymore. Other things are more urgent, now. For you see, some years back I made the decision to turn my will and my life over to God’s care. Since doing this, I’ve come to understand that God is far better at running my life than I am. I trust Him now. I believe He knows what’s best for me and He knows how to work my life into His plan in the best way. I’ve decided to cooperate with God’s plan and not hinder it like I used to. God owns me. He can do whatever He wants with me, and I’m good with that.

Back on the train once again, I know that I’ve done the best I know how to do. I have done everything I can with this train, but it is not enough. There is no more plan B, C or D. I am ready and I am at peace.

My dream is good for me. Can’t say that I enjoy it, though. It actually wakes me up breathless and sweaty. But at the same time, it shows that I am learning to be assured at a deep level even amidst pain and calamity. This is not to say that I don’t look for ways to change the direction of my life, because I do. God has not made me fatalistic. He has made me faithful. He has taught me to live my life with passion and care, and to trust Him for the results of my efforts at the same time.

This is why I am not afraid of train wrecks anymore.

copyright 2009, David Zailer