Love Focused by Dr. Bob and Judy Hughes

Dr. Hughes is a clinical psychologist who has been helping people focus on authentic love for over thirty-five years in his professional practice. He serves as an advisor to Operation Integrity and many well known pastors and clergymen across the Untied States. Dr. Hughes wrote Love Focused along with his wife Judy in 2007. For more information on Dr. Hughes and Love Focused, please send an email to info@lovefocused.com, or visit www.lovefocused.com

Love Focused vs Outcome Focused
by Dr. Bob Hughes

"Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the Law of Moses?" Jesus replied, " `You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. 'This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: `Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the other commandments and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments."
Matthew 22:36-40

Clearly the Bible teaches that the most important thing to do in every situation is to love. When we pursue the goal of loving God and loving others, we are fulfilling the very purpose God created us for. To consciously relate with others with the purpose of loving them is to be Love Focused. To be Love Focused is healthy for many reasons: 1) we can know we are following God’s plan, 2) we are pursuing a goal we have control over, 3) it is best for us, others, and for our relationships, 4) it sets a positive example for others to follow.

If my goal is to love a certain person, I can do that. My success is based on my purposes, decisions, and actions, nothing else. It is within my control and cannot be blocked or stopped by another person or circumstances. I am the one who decides if I accomplish my goal, not the other person, and not the circumstances. (Note: It would be unfair for God to command me to do something if I did not have control over it.)

Unfortunately, if I am not focused on the process of loving others, I will likely be focused on getting things to turn out a certain way, usually for my own benefit. I will be Outcome Focused. We all naturally tend to be Outcome Focused. When I focus on getting things to turn out a certain way, I am more likely to start manipulating and controlling people and circumstances to accomplish my goal.

When a person is Love Focused, they are other-centered, which is consistent with love. When a person is Outcome Focused, they are more self-centered, which prevents a person from loving. To the degree I am thinking of myself, to that degree I am not free to think of others. At any given time, we are probably experiencing a combination of both, hopefully more other-centered than self-centered.

Some examples of Love Focused goals would be:

To love others as best I can
To be a good husband/wife
To be a good mom/dad

To be a good friend
To be a godly person
To do the right/best/moral thing
To speak the truth in love
To be patient/kind
To serve others

Some examples of Outcome Focused goals would be:

` To get people to agree with you
To get a person to understand you
To get a person to change
To get your own way
To get people to like/love you
To prevent people from hurting/rejecting you
To get a person to do something
To get well
To do something perfect
To not make a mistake

One way to think of it is to remember: The goal determines what we do. If my goal is to get something to eat, going to a restaurant or to the kitchen makes total sense. If my goal is to mow the lawn, going to the backyard makes sense. If my goal is to mow the lawn, going to the kitchen does not make sense. As you can see, we tend to do what we think makes sense to us at the moment. Proverbs 27:3 states: “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” Our behavior is purposeful; it is always consistent with our goal (teleology).

Thus, if my goal is to love others, I will look for ways to accomplish that goal. If my goal is not to love others but to achieve my own outcome, I will inevitably look for ways to try to control and manipulate people and circumstances to accomplish that goal. For instance, if my goal at a party were to love people, then being friendly, listening to others, saying encouraging things, expressing genuine care and concern would make sense and be consistent with my goal. If my goal at the party is to protect myself from getting rejected, then acting shy, talking only with people I know, and trying to get my spouse/friend to leave early with me would be consistent with my goal.

When I’m Outcome Focused and I believe I need things to turn out a certain way for my own personal validation, I now become dependent on people and circumstances to achieve my goal. (Note: I now become insecure because I am depending on something that is undependable) When I depend on people and circumstances to validate my worth and value, I give them power and control over me. They now become a potential threat to my well-being if I cannot get them to do what I think I need them to do. I am in a “get” mode for myself not a “give” mode to others. I am now likely to experience anxiety, anger, and depression.

1. If I needed people or circumstances to come through for me in the past, and they didn’t, I will get upset/angry.

2. If I need people or circumstances to come through for me in the future, I will be anxious and worried that they won’t.

3. If I lose hope that people or circumstances will come through for me in the future, I will become depressed.

The intensity of my emotional response is directly related to how much importance I am placing on reaching my goal. The more importance I place on reaching my Outcome Focused goal, the stronger will be my emotional response. The less I need the outcome to turn out my way, the less intense my emotional response will be. (For example: I will be irritated or bugged, not angry or enraged).

A helpful principle to remember is that when I NEED something, I tend to demand it. When I DESIRE something, I am free to simply request it. In general, it’s healthy to desire/request things, but unhealthy to need/demand things. When I desire something and don’t get it, I’m disappointed, but I can still act lovingly. But when I demand something, my self-centered needs will usually prevent me from being free to love. For example, if I need my kids to be well mannered to make me look good as a parent, I will tend to demand that they use good manners and if they don’t, I will get mad. The more I need them to make me look good, the angrier I will get if they don’t make me look good. But if I only desire that they be well mannered because that’s best for them, I will be disappointed, and concerned for them, but not angry.

When I’m Love Focused, I can accomplish my goal of acting lovingly even if the outcome doesn’t work out the way I want. When I act lovingly AND the outcome turns out the way I want it too, that’s a bonus that I can enjoy. It’s like ordering an ice cream sundae; if I get the sundae and it doesn’t have a cherry, I’m disappointed, but I can still enjoy it. If it comes with the cherry, it’s even better. Unfortunately many people demand the cherry and if they don’t get it, they don’t even enjoy the sundae.

In summary:

When I’m Outcome Focused:

I’m more likely to be thinking of myself and not others
I’m less likely to be free to act lovingly to others
I’m more likely to try to control others
I’m more likely to experience anger, anxiety, and depression

When I’m Love Focused:

I’m free to act lovingly no matter what happens.
I’m more likely to be relaxed, peaceful, patient, etc.
I’m less likely to worry about how things are going to turn out

“Love God, Love Others, Trust God for the Outcome”

copyright 2008, Bob and Judy Hughes

Dr. Bob Hughes, 1-949-855-8333, info@lovefocused.com, www.lovefocused.com