Natalie's Story - Sins of a Lifetime

My second greatest blessing and joy, second only to Jesus, is the people I meet through Operation Integrity. Natalie is one of these people. Natalie (not her real name) is a recovering sex and porn addict who has been transformed by the love of God. This is her story, in her own words, uncut and unedited. I'm sure it will inspire you as it does me. Dave


Natalie’s Story - Sins of a Lifetime

I’m coasting along in life, dealing with small daily sin stuff, confessing and asking forgiveness, praising my Lord in song, thankful for so many blessings. Suddenly I find myself being convicted of past sins that have been in the closet for so many years. Wanting to clear the slate so that I will be free to share some of the journeys that the Lord has seen me through – trying to follow the path that I feel God is leading me to. Preparing my heart for the journey to come. I write a letter to my daughters telling them of these past sins, asking for their forgiveness. A burden seems lifted.

In the midst of every day living, a new friend is brought into my life. A Christian, Godly man who has helped me and encouraged me with some of my writing as well as helping me realize I do have something to offer, to help others, to feel worthwhile. I kept asking God, “why is this man in my life”? Every man I’ve ever connected with was not a good influence in my life, and though I assumed there were kind, Godly men somewhere in the world, I had never known one, until now. And suddenly I realized that perhaps that is why God put this man in my life to show me that someday, I would meet a godly man that would and could belong to me. It gave me comfort and hope to know that maybe someday…

So I’m content to interact and share with this wonderful new friend. I’m comfortable sharing some of my ugly past, and soon he is willing to share with me his story, his past, and I am filled with compassion for this sweet man. To know he has suffered such a painful affliction and yet in awe of how God brought him through it and seeing the peace of God’s Love shining in everything he says. I am inspired by his story and want to read more from the book of James. As I’m reading, I start to cry (which is very unusual for me) and suddenly, a lifetime of sin is brought before my eyes. The similarities of my life to my friend’s story, and the crying, that won’t stop because for first time in my life, I’m seeing the truth of what I’ve been hiding, ignoring, pretending it’s not been a problem. Immoral sex. The sin that has plagued my entire life, my entire family suddenly surfaced and showed it’s ugly face. The reality is almost more that I can handle. Now I know the real reason why this man came into my life!

Starting with my father who was obsessed with sex, pornography and nudity. I don’t know how many affairs he had, but there were many and yet my mother stayed with him, though I remember many bad years. Then I found a wonderful young love and unfortunately became pregnant. In my fear I allowed an abortion to take place and I still cry for that lost child. I paid dearly for that sin, almost losing my own life at the birth of my second daughter.

Then there was my unfortunate marriage to a man who suffered with the worst illness of all – homosexuality, whose life was filled with porn, other men and young boys. He committed the worst sin against my family and me by abusing and molesting my young brother, introducing him into the world of a homosexual lifestyle. My brother lived that way for many years until he found Jesus. He was healed and married a few years later. Though he has a family, he confesses he is still plagued with temptation and has fallen a couple of times since he married. Gratefully, his wife has great compassion for his affliction and has been forgiving. His life too was filled with porn.

Both my daughters have suffered because of inappropriate sexual acting out. My older daughter was in an abusive relationship with a very sick young man who threatened her with his life if she didn’t do the things he wanted her to do. This affected her marriage for many years but through God’s grace, they were able to work through it. My younger daughter was always searching for approval and love that she didn’t receive from her father. She ended up pregnant while in high school, and we gave that baby up for adoption. She then struggled with drugs and sex for a number of years before she too, was healed to live a normal life.

So here we are, full circle back to me. The one God is really doing a number on. Because my marriage didn’t have any sex, I was starved for affection. I was obsessed with desire. When I was still married I even had an affair with one of my husbands best friends from college. Somehow I convinced myself that it was ok because of the hurt and rejection I felt. And I was introduced to porn. When the marriage finally ended, I spent many months having one-night stands, searching for the ‘love’ that I so desperately needed. I did finally find a really nice man who I had a good relationship with for many years, but knowing he wasn’t someone I wanted to marry. He merely satisfied my sexual desires.

It was towards the end of this relationship that I found the Lord. He came into my life in a big way. He convicted me about my heavy drinking and smoking. That was a complete healing that occurred within a couple months of accepting Jesus into my life – 2 ½ packs a day and it was as if I never smoked. Praise God! Then He made me see the sin of the relationship I was in and that soon ended as well. And for a while, I was okay with just loving the Lord and grateful for the many blessings I had. Then Satan got hold of me, and the porn started to come back again – just a little, just enough to fill me with false desires. For years I struggled with that – sometimes able to go months without and then just a tease here and there. I was living a somewhat normal life when I found myself feeling sorry for myself, lonely, and the old desires came creeping back and suddenly I found myself in a relationship with another woman. Giving me the affection and attention I seemed to need so badly. Gratefully, God convicted me of that sin ‘real good’, and once again His grace healed me as though it never happened.

So I’ve been living a fairly good Christian life for many years now. Free of all these past sins and yet they have never been dealt with. I have never confessed all these sins as a package of what a farce my life really was. I have been hiding behind the weight of obesity not wanting to face the reality of what I’ve done. I am absolutely astonished that so much sadness, regret and remorse have come pouring out of me in such a short period of time. And yet, I find myself amazed that reading my friend’s story, then reading in James 1:14-15 was the key to unlocking so much hurt, bitterness and unhappiness in my life. (Actually there are many verses in the book of James that are speaking to me.) I pray that this unveiling will allow me to heal, lose the weight once and for all and be able to live a life pleasing to God.

When my heart finally calmed and the realization of my new rebirth became real, it was then that I began the 12 step Bible Study that had been prepared and written for Operation Integrity. It took many weeks, many hours of prayer and tears to complete that study, but when I did, through the grace of God, my confessions and transgressions were received, forgiven and forgotten by the God of the universe. As I dealt with all the past sins through the Word of God, I was at last healed and able to say I was a recovered sex addict. I praise Jesus daily for the peace that now fills my soul.

I praise you God for this healing and for bringing my new friend, this Godly man into my life as your instrument. Thank you Jesus for accepting me, loving me, healing me and allowing me to one day, be a messenger of your Love.

This prayer has become ever more real to me in the years since I wrote this story. God has provided opportunities for me to be a messenger of His love, sharing my story and offering hope and encouragement to many women who struggle with this sin. We serve a mighty God!