Thursday, January 29, 2009

Illusion vs. Reality

"I'm telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like children, you're not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God's kingdom.” Matthew 18:2-5 The Message

One of my favorite buddies of all time is named Brian. He is eight years old and the son of one of my dearest friends.

Brian lives his young life in a grand and wonderful way. For example, one day at the beach, I watched how he got through the waves that were bigger than him. Equipped with nothing more than a life preserver and his dad’s watchful eye, Brian would take a running start and dive into the wave headfirst as if he were a fullback diving for a first down. He would then emerge from the backside of the wave laughing hysterically, and prepare himself for when the next wave came along. There was another time when I watched him take on eleven older boys in a game of laser tag, beating them without mercy. But my favorite thoughts of Brian are from when he and his dad come to visit me at my house. Brian usually brings his collection of miniature cars with him because I have a similar collection from when I was a boy. We lay our collections out side by side to compare them. Brian carefully studies each and every car, thoughtfully weighing his options. He always makes me an offer. We then barter, and we make a trade or two. Brian gets the better of me most every time. He has an uncanny ability to focus his young mind on the task and the reality at hand. He lives every moment as it comes, fully enjoying the process of life.

It’s been a long time, but I remember enjoying life the way Brian enjoys it. Being excited about the possible adventure that each day might bring. Unfortunately, things aren’t like that for me much anymore. Daily, I am reminded of the minimum requirement that is expected of me, and the price I pay if I don’t meet or exceed expectations. I am fully aware of how I am responsible for my job, my finances, my actions, my family, my future, my life. And I have no argument with my responsibilities. I have no argument with reality. I consider myself a good person, after all. And, I want to do my responsibilities in a way that helps others and affirms my character at the same time. I guess what bothers me is how the world defines reality.

Reality from the world’s point of view evaluates and judges us. It measures us according to our credit score, our employment history, our marital and financial status, the size of our waistline and the value of our 401K, assuming we still have one. A reality like this sets us up. It reduces life to little more than a beauty contest, poker game, quiz show and marathon all wrapped up into one. It demands that we measure up to standards that we can’t always meet. The world’s reality offers solutions that sound good, but how good are they? The world’s solutions come in the form of insurance, books, education, programs, techniques, formulas, experts, physical force, and laws. These things are good when used appropriately, but they are not always reliable because they depend on circumstances that cannot be controlled all of the time. Taking a deeper look, we will see how the world’s definition of reality has illusion in it. We’ll see how it is contrary to the pure reality that is from God. And we’ll admit the illusionary reality of the world seems more real to us than the pure reality of God’s love. This needs to change.

I like the way Brian views reality. What the world may call childhood foolishness or illusion, Brian calls faith. Brian’s confidence stems from the faith he has in his father. He knows that his dad is there backing him up. He knows his dad is ready to step in and help when needed in a way that is not insulting or hurtful to him. Now, I don’t suggest that all is perfect in Brian-land, because it’s not. I still remember the day when Brian rode his skateboard down a ridiculously steep hill in direct disobedience to his father’s instruction. I didn’t see what happened, but I was told that the crash was one of historical proportions. I also heard about the ambulance, the tears, the blood and the hospital. When I saw Brian a few days later, he was wearing a broad smile as he proudly asked me to sign his cast. I admire the way he survives calamity with such joy!

It is obvious that Brian’s reality is not without pain. He has experienced just how dangerous and difficult life can be, especially when living outside of his father’s guidance. Brian has learned this because his dad is not a control freak. He allows Brian an appropriate level of freedom, giving him the opportunity to fail. This has taught Brian that failures are not fatal. They are just setbacks on the reality-filled and God-assured road to a wonderful life. He knows that if he fails, he can always get up and try again.

Watching Brian grow in life helps me to grow too. He shows me how to live. I want to be more like Brian, more childlike and more trusting in God, my heavenly Father. So, I think I will pack up my failures and go to the beach today. I am going to run and dive headfirst into a wave that is bigger than me. I’m going to laugh. And I am going to pick myself up and I am going to do it again. I am going to saturate myself in the process of living life and immerse myself in the process of trusting God. I am going to trust my Dad, who I call God, to give me what I need when I need it and to help me when I fall and get hurt. Because that’s just a matter of time for boys like Brian and me.

copyright 2009, David Zailer

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Our Problems Are His Problems

Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him? James 2:5, NIV





I hear voices sometimes. I hear them when I read the newspaper. I hear them when watching TV or listening to the radio. And I hear them most often when I see the wonderful possessions that some people have that I don’t have. The voices I hear feel like warriors from strange places. It seems like they scream out to the whole world about how poor and weak I am. They suggest I need more money, a newer car, a nicer home, better health, better sex, a better marriage. They tell me about the new book I must read, and about the new technique I need to apply to my life. The voices tell me I am a bad Christian and that I need to get my act together so that I can get my life together.

But, the voices are not the only sounds that I hear. Something Else speaks to me at the same time. This Something Else is deeper and more sane than the frantic voices the world sends my way. It is more like a drumbeat that echoes through the mountains from an ancient and good land. It beats out a message that says I am not alone. Someone is out there, the drumbeat says. Someone is calling to me.

Do you hear voices and feel drumbeats like I do? If so, maybe it’s time to slow down and reflect on your priorities and yours actions to see if they fit together like they should. Honest self-reflection is one of the most productive things we can do. It helps us to see what needs to be changed in our lives. And recognizing how we have gotten off track is the first step to finding our way once again.

As we reflect back, let’s remember that God doesn’t define wealth and poverty the way we do. He measures wealth and poverty by what we have, or don’t have, in our hearts and not in our hands or in our pocketbooks. The world may, or may not, provide riches for our bodies, but it is only God who will make us rich on the inside. For you see, life is not a matter of accumulation or technique. It is not a matter of circumstance. And - think about this for a moment - even if we do ever get our so-called act together successfully, all that we will have in the end will be nothing more than an act.

So, let’s free ourselves from the demanding life of getting and possessing. We do this by admitting how we have been distracted and paralyzed by worldly distractions in the past. Doing this is fundamental to our health and well being going forward. Even more, admitting our inner poverty prepares us to accept God’s wealth. No one can experience God’s transforming power unless they know they need it.

God is the faithful friend to the down and out. The sick, impoverished, desperate, wretched, immoral and despicable characters of our day are more likely to recognize their need and respond to the drumbeat of His love. They want what He has to give them and their lives are transformed when they entrust their needs to Him. On the other hand, self-rich, pious, religious and morally proud people tend to miss or ignore the drumbeat of Christ’s love and continue to follow the demanding voices of self-righteousness. They don’t think they need Him because they are satisfied with their own answers. They think they are in control and they make a continually growing list of rules for themselves and for other people, too.

So, who are you listening to? Is it the voices that demand more of you? Or, is it be the drumbeat of Christ that is inviting you to lay your burdens down? Your difficulties are an opportunity for you now. They will show you your need for God if you let them. Make a decision and take action. Accept your need and embrace Godly change by blending your difficulties together with faith and trust in God. Our difficulties become our guides when we listen for and hear the drumbeat of God’s love echoing through our soul.

In light of what Christ does for us, the sins that have haunted us in the past are not our biggest problem anymore; unless we deny or minimize how sinful we have been. This simple principle is a continuous starting point where can always begin to make the most of our lives. With this in mind, let’s admit what good sinners we are. Let’s admit how we tend to want our way over God’s way. We don’t need to be embarrassed or ashamed anymore.

Be open! Be honest! Be real! Leave nothing out! Your problems become God’s problems when you give them up to Him.

copyright 2009, David Zailer

Monday, January 26, 2009

The Tragedy of Lesser Things

“I am on the verge of collapse, facing constant pain. But I confess my sins; I am deeply sorry for what I have done. I have many aggressive enemies; they hate me without reason. They repay me evil for good and oppose me for pursuing good. Do not abandon me, O LORD. Do not stand at a distance, my God. Come quickly to help me, O Lord my savior.”

Psalms 38:17-22, NLT

The Tragedy of Lesser Things

One of my best buddies growing up was named Dennis. He and I spent a lot of time palling around the neighborhood together, but sometimes Dennis did things that really disturbed me. For example, he liked to catch small animals, kill them, and then lay them out like morbid little trophies. On one occasion, Dennis nailed a large toad to a plywood board. Still breathing, the toad lay there motionless except when Dennis touched it. Horrified, I watched as Dennis took out his pocket knife and began to cut off the toad’s arms and legs. He did this systematically, with an intense concentration that was very scary to me. After each cut, Dennis examined the amputated body part like a jeweler would examine a fine stone. Then, once the arms and legs were removed, he opened up the belly revealing the toad’s heart, which was still beating.

I’ve been feeling a lot like that toad lately. I am paralyzed, stuck, unable to save myself. My circumstances are beyond my control. Piece by piece, many of the things I have cherished are being taken from me. I thought I had planned my life well, but now my plan is in ruins. My vision for the future is blurred, and at the same time, I see a truth that I cannot avoid anymore. I have confused things I want with what I really need in life. I have adored material things while telling myself they were not important to me. My heart has been exposed. I am a hypocrite.

I’m sure I’m not alone in this. I think more and more of us are recognizing how we have become victims of our own lives. Our circumstances outweigh our abilities. Our worldly concerns dominate us. Our spiritual life has been pushed aside. We squirm with fright, hoping to escape the weight of our worries while trying to hide the desperation we feel. Our strength falls short. Our character is insufficient. Tragedy cuts us open, and heartbreak exposes our vulnerability. It reveals our heart in ways we never dreamed possible.

I wish I could better explain how I get off track. I try so hard to keep my priorities straight but sometimes the concerns of my life turn into obsessive vices that rule me. Even the best of things like work, accomplishment, church, home, people, food, sex, money and exercise are potential problems for me when I confuse them with what I really need spiritually. They become psychological cancers to me when I need or use them to make me feel alive instead knowing I’m alive because of the love of God. It’s not that my concerns are bad, because they aren’t. And, it’s not that I am bad, because I am not bad either. It’s really just a simple matter of how life overwhelms me when I think I need to be in control of everything.

We all need to recognize how our well intentioned priorities get messed up when we think we are more powerful than we are. We need to understand what we can do and what we can’t do. Things in our lives do need to change. But, more importantly, we need to change.

My childhood chum Dennis, grew up to be a veterinarian back in our hometown. He built a thriving practice that has been healing all kinds of animals for more than twenty years. The obsessive curiosity he had as a child was the platform from which an incredible talent grew up as he grew up. The same thing can happen with our obsessive worries if we allow God to grow our lives according to His design. God molds our problems into opportunities when we let Him. Our obsessions and worries become talents and skills when we give them to Him.

He allows our problems to test us, not to judge us. He uses them to get our attention. He wants us to see our hearts the way that He does, beautiful and vulnerable at the same time. He knows we will seek Him with increasing honesty and affection when we recognize how much we need Him and how little we need anything else.

copyright 2009, David Zailer

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Train Wreck

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,” says the LORD. Jeremiah 29:11- 14

Recently, I’ve been having the same dream two or three times a week. I dream that I am traveling by train through the American Rocky Mountains. The scenery inspires me and the service on board spoils me. In my dream, I retire to my sleeper one night only to awake before dawn and find myself alone on the train. I go back and forth throughout the train hoping to find someone else. No one is there. I make calls from my cell phone and from other phones I find on the train. No one answers. Worst of all, the train continues to move down the track as if everything were normal. I am abandoned.

I work my way to the front of the train, where I find an overwhelming maze of switches, dials, levers and buttons. I’m afraid to touch them. I might make a mistake. I fear what’s going to happen when it occurs to me that a crash is inevitable unless I do something. So, I begin to work the controls back and forth, but nothing works. The train, neither slowing down or speeding up, continues unabated on it’s way. This goes on for hours until I finally give up. There is no stopping this train. Exhausted and defeated, I stop manipulating the controls. The end is coming.

At this point in my dream, I sit myself down and look out the forward looking window. I stare, searching the horizon, because I know the end is coming and I want to be prepared. The scenery ahead has an intoxicating beauty. It seems strange to die in such a wonderful place. Sadness washes over me. There was so much more I meant to do. I missed the many people who loved me and I wanted more time to love them back. I thought of the people who despised me. I will never be able to prove them wrong now. I am powerless to change the past and that hurts me beyond words.

My dream is real to me, although it’s really not about a train. It’s about my life as it is today. My life is slowly unraveling due to financial circumstances that are beyond my control. For me, the economic downturn started about two years ago when I noticed the pace of my business was slowing. Concerned, I got advice from two well respected economic experts from my industry. They assured me business would turn around in less than a year so I made my plan to weather the storm. I cut back on expenses, dipped into savings, and when that ran out I started tapping credit lines I had established years before. I reached out for new work. Nothing. I offered new services. Nothing. I sought employment. Nothing.

Today I find myself broke, confused, somewhat depressed, sometimes anxious and always tired. My credit cards are maxed. Bank tellers don’t smile at me anymore. My neighbors make jokes about me not going to work and people at church ask me how I’m doing with a pitying and patronizing tone.

Sometimes I prefer my dream over my reality. At least in my dream I know the end is not too far off. I know it is coming. But in my real life, I have no idea when things will turn around or even if they will. This is where I should tell you about the rest of my dream.

Back on the train, I continue to look forward out the window as peace washes over me and mixes with my sadness. I know what the end is going to be like in a general way. It’s going to hurt a bit to say the least. My life as I have known it is going to change. Thinking about this reminds me of what a friend once said to me. He said, “No matter how good things are and no matter how bad things get, one thing is for sure, things are going to change.” Not sure why, but I am buoyed emotionally when I remember my friend saying this to me. He always has a simple and warm way of embracing the unknown, and I love him for it. Truth comforts me, even when it doesn’t feel good.

I don’t know what my future will be like. But, I do know that things will be good - very good. What happens to my business and finances is not the most important thing anymore. Other things are more urgent, now. For you see, some years back I made the decision to turn my will and my life over to God’s care. Since doing this, I’ve come to understand that God is far better at running my life than I am. I trust Him now. I believe He knows what’s best for me and He knows how to work my life into His plan in the best way. I’ve decided to cooperate with God’s plan and not hinder it like I used to. God owns me. He can do whatever He wants with me, and I’m good with that.

Back on the train once again, I know that I’ve done the best I know how to do. I have done everything I can with this train, but it is not enough. There is no more plan B, C or D. I am ready and I am at peace.

My dream is good for me. Can’t say that I enjoy it, though. It actually wakes me up breathless and sweaty. But at the same time, it shows that I am learning to be assured at a deep level even amidst pain and calamity. This is not to say that I don’t look for ways to change the direction of my life, because I do. God has not made me fatalistic. He has made me faithful. He has taught me to live my life with passion and care, and to trust Him for the results of my efforts at the same time.

This is why I am not afraid of train wrecks anymore.

copyright 2009, David Zailer

Monday, January 19, 2009

What Do You Really Need?

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. See his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths.”
Proverbs 3:5-6


What Do You Really Need?

Economic difficulties are nothing new, but now in our generation, many of us are experiencing economic challenges that we never expected. Millions of us are losing things that we have diligently worked for all of our lives. And while it is true that most of us have never faced this depth of financial insecurity before, we can profit from what others have learned when they faced similar experiences in the past.

In the mid nineteenth century, Edward More penned these words to one of Christianity’s greatest hymns, The Solid Rock.

“My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus name.
On Christ the solid Rock, I stand; All other ground is sinking sand.
All other ground is sinking sand.”

Mr. More apparently understood how hope is built into human life. He built his hope “on nothing less,” and he did not trust “the sweetest frame,” but he “wholly leaned on Jesus name,” because he knew that “all other ground was sinking sand.” His words reflect an understanding of how all of our human dependencies, with the exception of our trust in Jesus, will inevitably abandon us mired alone in sinking sand.

The words of this hymn bring much needed clarity, especially when we consider how easily we get confused when we depend on the wrong things. The things we want get twisted into perceptions of need. This happens to all of us in one way or another. Everyone wants the new car, the larger house, the promise of a better stock portfolio. And while there is nothing inherently wrong with any of these things, we get all twisted up on the inside when we believe that we can’t be happy without the house, the 401K, the benefits or the retirement, when, in reality, we really don’t need them at all. Problems are created when we get our wants and wishes confused with our needs. Our thinking gets corrupted, we become distracted from our relationships, our emotions take over, we get obsessed, our behaviors run amuck, we can even become addicted to things, and we ultimately lose the joy of Christ which is, in reality, our only true fundamental need.

Spiritually, it is important that we recognize and admit that our financial difficulties are not tragedies. Foreclosures, repossessions, shrinking investments, and crumbling credit ratings are little more than inconveniences when considered alongside of God. Our losses are tests. They are a proving ground for our faith. And, while our losses may be exceedingly painful, they are not fatal, except maybe to our ego. Life, after all, will always have it’s ups and downs. Thankfully, Christ is bigger than our losses, He is bigger than our pain, and He is bigger than our egos. Knowing this will help us be patient with our difficult circumstances. It will help us be patient with ourselves. It will help us find perspective for our lives. For you see, pain is useful in that it gets our attention. It makes us sit up and take notice that something is amiss and that we need to change. Pain, when we accept it as a teacher and a friend, helps us to be better aware and more honest about what is really important. When we are honestly aware of how we have been overly attached to things in the past, we will be more willing to admit our fundamental and intimate need for God. In turn, our willingness to admit our need strengthens our grasp of God and His grace. And, isn’t that what we have been craving for all along?

copyright 2009, David Zailer

Friday, January 16, 2009

Natalie's Story - Sins of a Lifetime

My second greatest blessing and joy, second only to Jesus, is the people I meet through Operation Integrity. Natalie is one of these people. Natalie (not her real name) is a recovering sex and porn addict who has been transformed by the love of God. This is her story, in her own words, uncut and unedited. I'm sure it will inspire you as it does me. Dave


Natalie’s Story - Sins of a Lifetime

I’m coasting along in life, dealing with small daily sin stuff, confessing and asking forgiveness, praising my Lord in song, thankful for so many blessings. Suddenly I find myself being convicted of past sins that have been in the closet for so many years. Wanting to clear the slate so that I will be free to share some of the journeys that the Lord has seen me through – trying to follow the path that I feel God is leading me to. Preparing my heart for the journey to come. I write a letter to my daughters telling them of these past sins, asking for their forgiveness. A burden seems lifted.

In the midst of every day living, a new friend is brought into my life. A Christian, Godly man who has helped me and encouraged me with some of my writing as well as helping me realize I do have something to offer, to help others, to feel worthwhile. I kept asking God, “why is this man in my life”? Every man I’ve ever connected with was not a good influence in my life, and though I assumed there were kind, Godly men somewhere in the world, I had never known one, until now. And suddenly I realized that perhaps that is why God put this man in my life to show me that someday, I would meet a godly man that would and could belong to me. It gave me comfort and hope to know that maybe someday…

So I’m content to interact and share with this wonderful new friend. I’m comfortable sharing some of my ugly past, and soon he is willing to share with me his story, his past, and I am filled with compassion for this sweet man. To know he has suffered such a painful affliction and yet in awe of how God brought him through it and seeing the peace of God’s Love shining in everything he says. I am inspired by his story and want to read more from the book of James. As I’m reading, I start to cry (which is very unusual for me) and suddenly, a lifetime of sin is brought before my eyes. The similarities of my life to my friend’s story, and the crying, that won’t stop because for first time in my life, I’m seeing the truth of what I’ve been hiding, ignoring, pretending it’s not been a problem. Immoral sex. The sin that has plagued my entire life, my entire family suddenly surfaced and showed it’s ugly face. The reality is almost more that I can handle. Now I know the real reason why this man came into my life!

Starting with my father who was obsessed with sex, pornography and nudity. I don’t know how many affairs he had, but there were many and yet my mother stayed with him, though I remember many bad years. Then I found a wonderful young love and unfortunately became pregnant. In my fear I allowed an abortion to take place and I still cry for that lost child. I paid dearly for that sin, almost losing my own life at the birth of my second daughter.

Then there was my unfortunate marriage to a man who suffered with the worst illness of all – homosexuality, whose life was filled with porn, other men and young boys. He committed the worst sin against my family and me by abusing and molesting my young brother, introducing him into the world of a homosexual lifestyle. My brother lived that way for many years until he found Jesus. He was healed and married a few years later. Though he has a family, he confesses he is still plagued with temptation and has fallen a couple of times since he married. Gratefully, his wife has great compassion for his affliction and has been forgiving. His life too was filled with porn.

Both my daughters have suffered because of inappropriate sexual acting out. My older daughter was in an abusive relationship with a very sick young man who threatened her with his life if she didn’t do the things he wanted her to do. This affected her marriage for many years but through God’s grace, they were able to work through it. My younger daughter was always searching for approval and love that she didn’t receive from her father. She ended up pregnant while in high school, and we gave that baby up for adoption. She then struggled with drugs and sex for a number of years before she too, was healed to live a normal life.

So here we are, full circle back to me. The one God is really doing a number on. Because my marriage didn’t have any sex, I was starved for affection. I was obsessed with desire. When I was still married I even had an affair with one of my husbands best friends from college. Somehow I convinced myself that it was ok because of the hurt and rejection I felt. And I was introduced to porn. When the marriage finally ended, I spent many months having one-night stands, searching for the ‘love’ that I so desperately needed. I did finally find a really nice man who I had a good relationship with for many years, but knowing he wasn’t someone I wanted to marry. He merely satisfied my sexual desires.

It was towards the end of this relationship that I found the Lord. He came into my life in a big way. He convicted me about my heavy drinking and smoking. That was a complete healing that occurred within a couple months of accepting Jesus into my life – 2 ½ packs a day and it was as if I never smoked. Praise God! Then He made me see the sin of the relationship I was in and that soon ended as well. And for a while, I was okay with just loving the Lord and grateful for the many blessings I had. Then Satan got hold of me, and the porn started to come back again – just a little, just enough to fill me with false desires. For years I struggled with that – sometimes able to go months without and then just a tease here and there. I was living a somewhat normal life when I found myself feeling sorry for myself, lonely, and the old desires came creeping back and suddenly I found myself in a relationship with another woman. Giving me the affection and attention I seemed to need so badly. Gratefully, God convicted me of that sin ‘real good’, and once again His grace healed me as though it never happened.

So I’ve been living a fairly good Christian life for many years now. Free of all these past sins and yet they have never been dealt with. I have never confessed all these sins as a package of what a farce my life really was. I have been hiding behind the weight of obesity not wanting to face the reality of what I’ve done. I am absolutely astonished that so much sadness, regret and remorse have come pouring out of me in such a short period of time. And yet, I find myself amazed that reading my friend’s story, then reading in James 1:14-15 was the key to unlocking so much hurt, bitterness and unhappiness in my life. (Actually there are many verses in the book of James that are speaking to me.) I pray that this unveiling will allow me to heal, lose the weight once and for all and be able to live a life pleasing to God.

When my heart finally calmed and the realization of my new rebirth became real, it was then that I began the 12 step Bible Study that had been prepared and written for Operation Integrity. It took many weeks, many hours of prayer and tears to complete that study, but when I did, through the grace of God, my confessions and transgressions were received, forgiven and forgotten by the God of the universe. As I dealt with all the past sins through the Word of God, I was at last healed and able to say I was a recovered sex addict. I praise Jesus daily for the peace that now fills my soul.

I praise you God for this healing and for bringing my new friend, this Godly man into my life as your instrument. Thank you Jesus for accepting me, loving me, healing me and allowing me to one day, be a messenger of your Love.

This prayer has become ever more real to me in the years since I wrote this story. God has provided opportunities for me to be a messenger of His love, sharing my story and offering hope and encouragement to many women who struggle with this sin. We serve a mighty God!

Love Focused by Dr. Bob and Judy Hughes

Dr. Hughes is a clinical psychologist who has been helping people focus on authentic love for over thirty-five years in his professional practice. He serves as an advisor to Operation Integrity and many well known pastors and clergymen across the Untied States. Dr. Hughes wrote Love Focused along with his wife Judy in 2007. For more information on Dr. Hughes and Love Focused, please send an email to info@lovefocused.com, or visit www.lovefocused.com

Love Focused vs Outcome Focused
by Dr. Bob Hughes


"Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the Law of Moses?" Jesus replied, " `You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. 'This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: `Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the other commandments and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments."
Matthew 22:36-40


Clearly the Bible teaches that the most important thing to do in every situation is to love. When we pursue the goal of loving God and loving others, we are fulfilling the very purpose God created us for. To consciously relate with others with the purpose of loving them is to be Love Focused. To be Love Focused is healthy for many reasons: 1) we can know we are following God’s plan, 2) we are pursuing a goal we have control over, 3) it is best for us, others, and for our relationships, 4) it sets a positive example for others to follow.

If my goal is to love a certain person, I can do that. My success is based on my purposes, decisions, and actions, nothing else. It is within my control and cannot be blocked or stopped by another person or circumstances. I am the one who decides if I accomplish my goal, not the other person, and not the circumstances. (Note: It would be unfair for God to command me to do something if I did not have control over it.)

Unfortunately, if I am not focused on the process of loving others, I will likely be focused on getting things to turn out a certain way, usually for my own benefit. I will be Outcome Focused. We all naturally tend to be Outcome Focused. When I focus on getting things to turn out a certain way, I am more likely to start manipulating and controlling people and circumstances to accomplish my goal.

When a person is Love Focused, they are other-centered, which is consistent with love. When a person is Outcome Focused, they are more self-centered, which prevents a person from loving. To the degree I am thinking of myself, to that degree I am not free to think of others. At any given time, we are probably experiencing a combination of both, hopefully more other-centered than self-centered.

Some examples of Love Focused goals would be:

To love others as best I can
To be a good husband/wife
To be a good mom/dad

To be a good friend
To be a godly person
To do the right/best/moral thing
To speak the truth in love
To be patient/kind
To serve others

Some examples of Outcome Focused goals would be:

` To get people to agree with you
To get a person to understand you
To get a person to change
To get your own way
To get people to like/love you
To prevent people from hurting/rejecting you
To get a person to do something
To get well
To do something perfect
To not make a mistake

One way to think of it is to remember: The goal determines what we do. If my goal is to get something to eat, going to a restaurant or to the kitchen makes total sense. If my goal is to mow the lawn, going to the backyard makes sense. If my goal is to mow the lawn, going to the kitchen does not make sense. As you can see, we tend to do what we think makes sense to us at the moment. Proverbs 27:3 states: “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” Our behavior is purposeful; it is always consistent with our goal (teleology).

Thus, if my goal is to love others, I will look for ways to accomplish that goal. If my goal is not to love others but to achieve my own outcome, I will inevitably look for ways to try to control and manipulate people and circumstances to accomplish that goal. For instance, if my goal at a party were to love people, then being friendly, listening to others, saying encouraging things, expressing genuine care and concern would make sense and be consistent with my goal. If my goal at the party is to protect myself from getting rejected, then acting shy, talking only with people I know, and trying to get my spouse/friend to leave early with me would be consistent with my goal.

When I’m Outcome Focused and I believe I need things to turn out a certain way for my own personal validation, I now become dependent on people and circumstances to achieve my goal. (Note: I now become insecure because I am depending on something that is undependable) When I depend on people and circumstances to validate my worth and value, I give them power and control over me. They now become a potential threat to my well-being if I cannot get them to do what I think I need them to do. I am in a “get” mode for myself not a “give” mode to others. I am now likely to experience anxiety, anger, and depression.

1. If I needed people or circumstances to come through for me in the past, and they didn’t, I will get upset/angry.

2. If I need people or circumstances to come through for me in the future, I will be anxious and worried that they won’t.

3. If I lose hope that people or circumstances will come through for me in the future, I will become depressed.

The intensity of my emotional response is directly related to how much importance I am placing on reaching my goal. The more importance I place on reaching my Outcome Focused goal, the stronger will be my emotional response. The less I need the outcome to turn out my way, the less intense my emotional response will be. (For example: I will be irritated or bugged, not angry or enraged).

A helpful principle to remember is that when I NEED something, I tend to demand it. When I DESIRE something, I am free to simply request it. In general, it’s healthy to desire/request things, but unhealthy to need/demand things. When I desire something and don’t get it, I’m disappointed, but I can still act lovingly. But when I demand something, my self-centered needs will usually prevent me from being free to love. For example, if I need my kids to be well mannered to make me look good as a parent, I will tend to demand that they use good manners and if they don’t, I will get mad. The more I need them to make me look good, the angrier I will get if they don’t make me look good. But if I only desire that they be well mannered because that’s best for them, I will be disappointed, and concerned for them, but not angry.

When I’m Love Focused, I can accomplish my goal of acting lovingly even if the outcome doesn’t work out the way I want. When I act lovingly AND the outcome turns out the way I want it too, that’s a bonus that I can enjoy. It’s like ordering an ice cream sundae; if I get the sundae and it doesn’t have a cherry, I’m disappointed, but I can still enjoy it. If it comes with the cherry, it’s even better. Unfortunately many people demand the cherry and if they don’t get it, they don’t even enjoy the sundae.

In summary:

When I’m Outcome Focused:

I’m more likely to be thinking of myself and not others
I’m less likely to be free to act lovingly to others
I’m more likely to try to control others
I’m more likely to experience anger, anxiety, and depression

When I’m Love Focused:

I’m free to act lovingly no matter what happens.
I’m more likely to be relaxed, peaceful, patient, etc.
I’m less likely to worry about how things are going to turn out

“Love God, Love Others, Trust God for the Outcome”

copyright 2008, Bob and Judy Hughes

Dr. Bob Hughes, 1-949-855-8333, info@lovefocused.com, www.lovefocused.com

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Playing By The Rules


“Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.”

Galatians 4:6-7 The Message


Playing by The Rules

Remember growing up? Remember how our parents told us to do our homework, to make our beds and to feed the dog? Remember how they warned us against smoking and how they told us to show respect to friends and neighbors? Our parents taught us that life had rules, and that we’d be happiest if we followed the rules. Life seemed so simple back then.

But today, the list of life’s do’s and don’ts gets more complicated. As we get older, we tend to become more sophisticated in the way we interpret and apply rules to our life. We become more subjective, and less inclined to follow rules without questioning them. We adjust the rules or make new ones of our own when we think it’s necessary. We think we know what is important and we want rules that give us better control over our lives. Don’t we?

What are the rules you have been living by? I bet they include planning for the future, investing diligently, paying your bills, working overtime, and getting promoted on occasion. You go to the gym. You are smart and you are determined. You put up with all kinds of crap, and you treat others with the respect you think they deserve. Perhaps you follow the most important rule of all, you go to church so that God will bless your efforts.

Most of us have done a pretty good job of playing by the rules. We’ve been good boys and good girls and we've expected life to be good to us in return. But life doesn’t always play fair. Life does not play by the same rules that we do. Sometimes, it throws an unfair curveball at our heads... so to speak. There are times when life defies our best intentions and our best efforts. In some cases, our creditors hound us without mercy. Some of us have lost our homes. Others have experienced divorce, the death of a loved one, a paralyzing addiction, or a devastating act of nature. Many of us have lost our health insurance and some of us have even lost the health we worked so hard to insure. Hardships and difficulties assault us, bruising, battering, and proving just how small and powerless we really are.

Questions! Do you feel sad about the condition of your life? Are you mad about how things have turned out for you? Have you tried to get it together, hoping to get yourself together at the same time? Have your expectations been satisfied?

Let’s be honest with ourselves because there is something to be learned from all of this. The feelings we feel express an inner longing that we need to get in touch with. From the mansion to the ghetto and from the country club to the back street bar, everybody experiences this inner longing whether they realize it or not. Our longing shows there is another kind of life to be lived that far exceeds what we can experience through the five senses of our bodies. This other life is the spiritual life. And, it is more real and more human than the physical lives we have known up till now. Think about this for a moment. Don’t we all want and need more out of life than what we can provide for ourselves?

There is a message being sent your way. Don’t miss out on what your hearts has to say to you. Listen. Listen to your longing. It reveals what you truly want and truly need as opposed to what has just held your attention captive all these years. If you listen to it, your inner longing will guide you to a place that only God can reach. This is not a religious place. It has no walls, no rules and no obligations. It is an intimate, personal place where God’s love will cause you to change and grow in ways that you cannot do on your own. Together, God and you will build a spiritual marriage in this intimate personal place. And, as a spiritual marriage is built, God will bring balance and perspective to the way you live your life in your physical body.

No matter what rules we have been living by up till now, there is one ultimate question that we all have to answer. Are you willing to trust God to do for you what you cannot do for yourself?

Be honest! There is no reason to ignore you longing anymore.

copyright 2009, David Zailer

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Operation Integrity in Christianity Today Magazine, March 2008

March 2008 Issue of Christianity Today Magazine



Help for the Sexually Desperate
More and more, Christian men are admitting they've been caught in a vicious cycle.
Written by John W. Kennedy | posted 3/07/2008 08:17AM

One by one, men trickle into the unadorned upstairs church classroom for their regular Thursday night meeting. But the gathering isn't to discuss plans for evangelism outreach, worship-song selection, or expanding the nursery.

"I'm Kevin and I'm a recovering sex addict," one of the eight men seated around the table says shortly after the meeting begins. Each man talks uninterruptedly for up to five minutes about how he's faced a myriad of sexual temptations. No one is allowed to advise, criticize, defend, or excuse the behavior of another man during this faith-based, 90-minute, 12-step recovery meeting called Operation Integrity.

These aren't convicted pedophiles or registered sex offenders. They are churchgoers, businessmen, and seemingly model husbands. Throughout the country, there are men by the millions sitting comfortably in church pews every Sunday who haven't told anyone about their sexual addiction. But the men in this room have come to terms with their own powerlessness over destructive sexual habits.

After sharing their stories, the men take turns reading paragraphs from When Lost Men Come Home, written by Operation Integrity (OI) founder David Zailer. Lively discussion ensues.

The meeting provides a roller-coaster ride of successes and frustrations from the past week. Words such as "sin," "addiction," "acting out," and "selfishness" are repeated. These men are doing better than when they started the group; none is where he hopes to be.

This OI chapter meets at Coast Hills Community Church, a nondenominational Southern Californian megachurch in Aliso Viejo, where Zailer attends. The men represent four area congregations.
Sonny relates the temptation of seeing a curvaceous female wearing a string bikini at a nearby beach; not only that, she came up to him and started a conversation.

"Why would a woman be wearing a string bikini during the last week of October?" Sonny asks his tablemates, and then tells them he resisted the urge to exchange phone numbers.
By the end of the evening, there are hugs and backslaps. The men have laughed and cried together in Christian brotherhood.
"We're all in this foxhole together," Sonny says after the meeting. "I gain strength from these men."

Zailer, who invited Christianity Today to attend this confidential session, says, "Nothing else will go real well in our recovery until we get as honest as we can. A guy may show up because he feels guilty, his wife demanded it, or he may have good intentions. But if he's not broken, he won't stay. Our program is for desperate men."

Beyond Lust
The dividing line between sexual lust and addiction is often hard to draw. While not listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), sexual addiction is widely recognized as a harmful behavior with a strong biochemical component (e.g., by the Mayo Clinic). An addiction to sex, experts say, is defined by obsessive sexual behavior regardless of the growing negative consequences for the person or their relationships. The sex addict has tried to stop but hasn't been able to do so, despite destructive results and deep feelings of shame. The addict can never hate the sin or himself enough to stop.

A widely recognized authority, Patrick Carnes, author and executive director of the Gentle Path program at Pine Grove Behavioral Health and Addiction Services in Mississippi, estimates that 8 percent of adult men and 3 percent of adult women become sexually addicted at some point in their lives (this article will focus on the greater problem, male sexual addiction). That means roughly 12 million or more Americans may have this disorder. The sex addict becomes hooked on the neurochemical response of the body during sexual behavior, which may include compulsive masturbation, anonymous sex, multiple partners, exhibitionism, voyeurism, viewing Internet pornography, or crimes such as sexual abuse and rape.

Christian counselors and psychologists say the extent of the sex-addiction problem and the scarcity of treatment programs means millions of churchgoing men and women remain stuck in a cycle of sexual addiction, sometimes for decades. Guilt and shame keep them suffering in silence. A church culture that provides few opportunities to address sexual sin inhibits most addicts from telling anyone else. Often the addict doesn't seek help until a crisis occurs—such as being fired for looking at Internet porn at work.

New faith-based addiction recovery organizations that understand sex addiction are beginning to emerge. There are more than 60 recovery groups around the country specifically for sex addiction. That includes Pure Warriors, Pure Desire, Pure Life, Operation Integrity, and the Samson Society. Most operate on a small scale and are growing gradually.

Their methods differ, but all these programs share the belief that an addict is powerless to change behavior on his own. The OI meeting in Aliso Viejo included:
Kevin, 53, a real-estate agent caught by his wife looking at Internet porn before a Sunday morning church service.
Tommy, 35, a political consultant who spent more than three years participating in mate-swapping on Saturday nights, and regularly sitting in church on Sunday mornings.
Nelson, 38, a self-employed businessman discovered by his girlfriend carrying on an emotional relationship in cyberspace.
Evan, 43, a building contractor who claims to have had sexual intercourse with more than 1,000 women.
Perceived lack of sexual fulfillment is a common precursor to sex addiction. Nate Larkin, founder of the Samson Society, told CT that an addiction may start with a preoccupying sense of dissatisfaction, followed by a craving for relief. Then comes creation of a plan, followed by deception, and then the compulsive sexual act itself.

"The euphoria would pass, leaving me disappointed, awash in self-loathing, cursing myself for my stupidity, and promising never ever to do that again," Larkin, 51, writes in Samson and the Pirate Monks: Calling Men to Authentic Brotherhood. "I would step back into my regular life with renewed resolve, but before long my inner emptiness and dissatisfaction would start screaming for relief, and the cycle would begin again."

Douglas Weiss, 45, executive director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, says an addict's brain doesn't discern whether his sexual behavior is moral or immoral—the addict only knows that this is a place to feel loved, important, and significant, albeit only temporarily.

The average addict is double-minded. Part of him desires to live a holy life. Another part wants to gaze at porn or have casual sex. An addict deceives himself by thinking he can control his improper behavior.

"Satan loves it when we think we can defeat this on our own," says Mark R. Laaser, author of Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction. Laaser, 57, believes anger is the primary reason Christian men commit sexual sin. "They are angry at God, angry at their spouse, angry at church," he says. "They feel abandoned."

Laaser says there is often an "entitlement factor": Many men minimize the sin because they believe they are overworked and underappreciated; therefore, looking at porn and masturbating is no big deal.

Disease or Sin?
Is sexual addiction a disease or simply immoral behavior? Bob Hughes, a clinical psychologist in Laguna Hills, California, speaks for many Christian therapists in seeing sex addiction as both a sinful choice and a biological disease.

One may begin by repeatedly making a sexual choice that turns into an addiction. Then, "as an addiction, it can grab onto a person and rob him of his volition," says Hughes, who helped Zailer in his recovery and has referred 30 clients to OI.
Heart to Heart's Weiss, who has been sober for 20 years, conducts intensive three-day seminars so sex addicts can determine the profile of their addiction, whether its dynamics are primarily biological, psychological, spiritual, trauma-based, or related to sexual avoidance, or a combination thereof. Weiss, author of The Final Freedom: Pioneering Sexual Addiction Recovery, says once a pattern is identified, strategies are developed for treatment.

Although sex addiction has been around for centuries, only in the past generation has it been recognized also as an illness, much like alcohol and drug addiction. Thirty years ago, Pine Grove's Carnes pioneered research that showed how sex addicts' brains undergo changes during the point of orgasm, akin to the euphoria a cocaine addict feels. And as with drug addiction, over time the sex addict chases new highs to try to create the same feeling, a feeling that the brain now craves. In the wake of Carnes's research, groups such as Sex Addicts Anonymous and Sexaholics Anonymous formed.

While Christian men often think of their addiction primarily as a sinful obsession with sex, the compulsive and destructive nature of the problem shows that more is going on. Zailer asserts, "People can't change the sin until they address the disease part," meaning the neurochemical craving that overwhelms them.
As with many leaders of recovery groups, the handsome and muscular Zailer seems an unlikely candidate to be in a recovery group. A family friend from church began to sexually abuse him at age eight. Alcoholism and crack-cocaine dependency followed. He spent five years as a porn actor.

As an alternative to an eight-year prison term for drug crimes, Zailer spent eighteen months in a treatment program. While trying to stop his sex addiction, Zailer says he became increasingly obsessive about sex. "I made repeated commitments to stop," he says. "But no amount of self-determination or religious activity protected me."
Zailer found few in church circles eager to hear honest talk about sexual sin. Zailer began OI on a 12-step model in 2001. There are now six groups in three states. Everyone who attends OI has a phone list and develops his own friendships within the group. A guy who wants help initiates a call to a sponsor, sometimes daily. Zailer earns a living by building swimming pools. His day is full of cell phone calls from men looking for encouragement. He typically signs off with a heartfelt, "Love ya."

Internet Accelerates Addiction
Until recently, those who suffered sexual abuse during childhood have been at a higher risk of sexual addiction. Sexual abuse tends to produce oppressive or repressive behavior. A victim will attempt to change the outcome of what happened through "reenactment." This is often done with subconscious motives. Four out of five sex addicts are sex-abuse survivors, according to Carnes.

Three out of four suffered physical abuse and nearly all have been emotionally abused, he says. Many addicts eventually learn that sexual issues had been a problem in the lives of their fathers.

But now, the Internet has made practically anyone vulnerable, and it has nothing to do with abuse.

"We used to think that the pressure of childhood trauma was one of the essential ingredients in the creation of the sex addict," Laaser says. "But the Internet has changed that. Now there are people without the extensive history [of abuse] who get sucked into sex addiction."

"There are now people struggling with sexual compulsivity who never would have been if not for the Internet," Carnes writes in the third edition of Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction.

Viewing pornography is nearly always accompanied by masturbation. Swirling emotions surround the mood-altering experience. Some men never move past this stage. Addicts bring different beliefs into their views on pornography, based on their spiritual and familial backgrounds. It also depends on how much and what type of pornography is being consumed. Progression will likely be quicker for someone who watches orgy films nightly than for someone looking at a soft-core porn magazine monthly. If sex is the top "medicator" of an addict, progression is rapid. The addict develops a tolerance for new behaviors if they bring temporary relief.

Others progress rapidly to increasingly exotic, perverse, and even illegal sexual behavior: exhibitionism, voyeurism, strip clubs, lap dances, massage parlors, adultery, prostitution, homosexual liaisons, rape, incest, bestiality, or child molestation—anything to feed the craving.

"A major factor in progression is what a guy fantasizes about during sexual release," Weiss says. "If a guy masturbates to something it would take a prostitute to do, he's more likely to find one."

Confession Works
Most experts believe recovery should not be one-size-fits-all, but tailored to the individual. In most cases, a personal accountability partner and weekly group meetings are supplemented with professional help from a psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor, or even in-patient treatment.

Christian counselors agree that wholeness must begin with confessing the sin and stopping the behavior. Healing requires the addict to accept responsibility for succumbing to a life of addiction rather than blame his upbringing, wife, or society.

In the early stages of his recovery, Laaser says he needed to have daily accountability and go to weekly support groups. After being sober for two decades, such stringent vigilance isn't required, he says, and depicting someone as a lifelong sex addict can be counterproductive. "People get better," Laaser says. "Am I still a sex addict per se? No, I'm a man who's vulnerable to sexuality."
Still, Laaser believes in safety in numbers. The more in a man's circle aware of his problems, the greater the probability he will get better. "One guy is not enough," he says. "What if that guy is sick, or not home, or not in a good mood that day? Plus it's tough to fool 10 guys."

In an accountability network, participants recognize they will at times be too vulnerable or too weak to call for help. Thus, an addict gives permission to other men to call and check on him.

"I have never met anyone who has experienced sexual-addiction recovery alone," Weiss says. "When you are accountable, sobriety is a much greater goal than just being abstinent."

Some experts suggest reconditioning behavior is the key. Weiss advocates snapping a rubber band on the wrist every time there is an inappropriate thought. Fred Stoeker, coauthor of the Every Man's Battle series, teaches a technique he calls "bouncing the eyes"—turning one's attention elsewhere whenever seeing something sexually explicit.

Still others take a different approach. Steve Gallagher, who founded Pure Life Ministries in 1986, isn't enthusiastic about introspective psychotherapy. Gallagher, 53, believes support groups encourage participants to keep that particular sin in the forefront of their identity, even years after recovery. He says, "Biblical accountability was never meant to be a group of men sitting in a circle discussing their failures."

Most men, he believes, aren't willing to sever old habits that lead to sin, such as watching whatever they want on television. "A man can go to psychologists, support groups, or deliverance services," Gallagher writes in At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry. "He can be prayed for by a famous evangelist or commit himself to a sexual-addiction clinic, but if he wants to overcome habitual sin, he must learn to walk in the Spirit."

Tools such as Internet filters and accountability partners can help for a season, Gallagher says, but until a man experiences real repentance, he will remain stuck in sexual sin.

That much everyone seems to believe. Larkin says that only when he surrendered his will completely to God rather than trying to fix things through his own moral efforts did healing begin. "For those of us who spent years resolutely steering our lives from one ditch to another," says Larkin, "one of the most practical ways to surrender to Christ is to pick up the telephone and tell the truth to another Christian."

Zailer says, "It's important to keep a pulse on the problem. Recovery is wasted when we forget our failures."

Shattered Vows
Not surprisingly, sexual addiction has a devastating effect on marriages. Laaser's wife, Debra, thought she had a loving and stable marriage. Her husband had a career as a respected full-time marriage counselor. He also taught part time as a Christian college professor and served as an interim preacher.
Debra experienced the shock of her life 15 years into the marriage: Her husband had been fired for initiating sex with several vulnerable women clients. At the time, Mark had almost completed a doctorate in religion and psychology.
It's taken 20 years for Debra, 57, to be emotionally ready to write about the experience in Shattered Vows: Hope and Healing for Women Who Have Been Sexually Betrayed.

Initially she asked, Should I make him move out? Will I ever feel like letting him touch me again? Will I ever be able to trust him again? Other worries came after her husband went to rehab. What do I tell the three kids? Have I been exposed to sexually transmitted diseases? Do I really know everything that happened?
Mark admits that he had become a skillful liar. Trust was rebuilt slowly. Ultimately Debra realized she couldn't mother or rescue her husband. "If you will not or cannot give up your role of Director of Husband Security," she writes, "he will continue to find ways to sneak around your devices."

The wife of Pure Life's founder, Kathy Gallagher, learned she had married a sex addict soon after their wedding. Steve told his 20-year-old bride that she was too skinny and not pretty enough. Thinking Steve would truly love her if she acquiesced to his sexual demands, Kathy agreed to look at porn with him.

Then he wanted her to participate in orgies. Afraid to lose the marriage, she complied, but began using drugs to numb her conscience. Two months later, after discovering that her increasingly insatiable husband had been going to massage parlors and visiting prostitutes, she left him. After Steve agreed to get help, Kathy returned. They have been married for 28 years, and she has been administrator of Pure Life Ministries for 19 years.

Whatever form infidelity takes, the spouse is left feeling betrayed, alone, and afraid. Debra Laaser says many wives are hurt more by the deception than the infidelity. How the wife reacts to a husband's sexual addiction is a determining factor in healing. Some women naïvely think a one-time confession by their husband will resolve everything. Other wives, even those who have ignored warning signs, file for divorce at the first revelation of porn use.

There is no blanket answer to when and how much to tell one's wife. While complete honesty is the best policy, some experts say addicts make the mistake of blurting out too much too soon. "Wives should not be the dumping ground for guilt and shame," Zailer says. "If a guy has taken 20 years to mess up his life, it's not going to get better in three days."

On the other hand, Debra Laaser recommends full disclosure up front rather than the installment plan. "Knowing the whole truth is foundational to building a new life together, because the new structure must be built on honesty and openness," she writes. "Your husband can stop living with secrets that keep him hiding his behaviors, lying, and walking on eggshells in fear of your finding out." The Laasers, who have been married for 35 years, now work together helping sex addicts through Faithful and True Ministries.

"I advise guys to give wives a categorical confession, but not subject her to any specifics she hasn't asked about," Larkin says.

Stigma Lingers
Typically, pastors aren't trained to deal with sexual sins, let alone addiction. Many denominations have a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to porn use, so a pastor isn't likely to confess his porn viewing to a superior if it means losing his livelihood. Yet can the church be truly effective if it's not a safe place for a man to divulge details about his ongoing struggles? If the struggles are dealt with early, it can't help but slow down the rate of addiction. But talking about sexual problems is difficult in a church setting.

"The church is going to have to decide if it's going to fight to be the pure bride of Christ," says Stuart Vogelman, executive director of Pure Warrior Ministries in Valleyford, Washington. "It's probably going to be the toughest battle the church has ever faced, and most churches are not equipped for it."

Ted Roberts's ministry is an exception. For 15 years, Roberts has led thousands of men in sexual purity classes at East Hill Foursquare Church in Gresham, Oregon. This year, the 63-year-old senior pastor will relinquish the pulpit he's held for 22 years and work full time with Pure Desire Ministries.

In weekly meetings and more frequent phone calls, Pure Desire men spend two to five years stopping unhealthy sexual behaviors. Since 1990, more than 1,000 men have completed Pure Life Ministries' six-month residential treatment program.

Integrity Daily
Nate Larkin is a low-key, pensive, bookish-looking man, befitting someone who earned a master's of divinity from Princeton Theological Seminary. Following graduation, he became a successful, dynamic pastor in the eyes of his thriving congregation.

Larkin's story has similarities to Zailer's: a strict religious upbringing that included frequent church attendance, a distant father, a mother who committed suicide, a decision to cease sexually acting out at age 41, and brutal transparency about addiction.

For Larkin, the descent from pornography into a series of encounters with streetwalkers escalated rapidly. The first occurred en route to a Christmas Eve candlelight service at which he officiated. In exchange for fellatio, he paid the prostitute the $20 he had earmarked for the collection plate.

Larkin details his former life and return to integrity in Samson and the Pirate Monks. The book tells about the start in 2004 of the Samson Society, a community of Christian believers committed to collaborative discipleship (see "These Guys Are Really Screwed Up," page 30). Larkin, who now earns an income producing technical reports for engineers, doesn't want to fall into leadership traps that led to a swelled head as a pastor.

Every Monday night, Larkin attends a one-hour Samson Society meeting at his home church, Christ Community, a PCA congregation in Franklin, Tennessee. On a rainy night in November, 15 men sit down on blue padded chairs arranged in a large circle in a classroom with mustard-colored walls. Some guys are in their 20s; others in their 60s. Some are handsome and muscular, others scrawny and plain. They are at different stages of healing.

Tonight's discussion is on hope, selected from a list of more than 200 suggestions, a different one of which is chosen each week. After preliminaries, the men count off by threes to break up into random groups of five. The smaller circles provide time for the men to laugh, joke, or cry without being interrupted, confronted, or corrected. It's a time to spew innermost fears, joys, and frustrations. It's a place to be heard and affirmed. Men can share more than once. There might be long silent pauses.

During the meeting within the meeting, Larkin's cell phone buzzes four times, all calls from other Samson attendees around the country. There are Samson groups in 17 states. Scarcely an hour of the day goes by that Larkin doesn't take or make a phone call related to Samson. Usually they are brief check-ins. Occasionally a crisis occurs that will precipitate a long conversation.

Men refrain from offering advice at Samson meetings. That is reserved for private, more involved get-togethers with one's trustworthy traveling companion, called a "Silas." Samson is not so much about what happens at the meetings as in between.

A man usually connects with his Silas on the phone every day, offering encouragement and feedback. It's more about forming real relationships, not oppressive accountability. "If it feels like checking in with a parole officer, it gets old fast," Larkin says after the meeting, when most men head off to a local Irish pub or a Mexican restaurant for further fellowship.

Larkin goes to McCreary's to meet Allie, his wife of 29 years. Nate first mentioned he had a struggle with porn four years into their marriage. She assumed everything was fine because he rarely mentioned it again. But in 1998, Allie, already in menopause, found a condom among Nate's possessions. If she had known the depth of his addiction at first, she likely would have divorced him. Not until 2002 did she learn of his escapades with prostitutes.

Today, Allie knows all the details in the book, although she doesn't want to read it. The Larkins spend virtually every evening together. After years of emotional detachment, Nate's gregarious laugh at the eatery is evidence that his best friend is his wife.

Opportunity Awaits
Experts say sexual addiction is bound to worsen because teens are today's largest porn users. Addiction begins with simple temptations or manageable sexual problems. But says East Hill Church's Roberts, "No matter where I travel in the world men have the same problem, but no one talks about it."
While addiction is a crippling weakness, when brought to light, it's a form of empowerment. Laaser says he is weary of retelling his personal tragedy, but it's necessary to offer hope to others. "Silence is the greatest enemy of sexual health," he says.

"There are wounded men in every country medicating their pain through sexually compulsive behavior," says Vogelman, who spent 23 years as an international high-tech healthcare business consultant. "But the very guys that Satan poisons are coming out of that bondage to minister to other men as they recover themselves."

Several therapists and pastors liken sex addiction to a coming tsunami. Larkin thinks they're off base.

"The tidal wave has passed," he says. "We're standing around in our shorts."

Yet Larkin is optimistic. "This new epidemic provides the church with an unparalleled opportunity," he says. "The Enemy has overplayed his hand. Desperate men will do what they have to do to get help."

Operation Integrity Fellowships by David Zailer

Operation Integrity Fellowships by David Zailer

Recently I was taking part in a new Operation Integrity Recovery Group Meeting. This fellowship came to exist just like all Operation Integrity fellowships come to exist. One motivated man, joined by a small number of other motivated men, meeting together to help one another recover from destructive sexual behavior.
As I sat in this group meeting, I listened to these men share their experiences, both past and present. As I was listening, I was gaining a sense of just what good people these men were. Now don’t get me wrong, these guys were some serious sinners, and I know a sinner when I see one. They usually look a whole lot like me. However, what was most amazingly obvious to me was a subtle, yet profound goodness in each of them. I could hear from what they shared about themselves that, along with their moral failings, there was a kind of organic dignity and worth in them. In seeing this, one realized that these men could not be described in terms of good versus bad. It was more like they had an original worthfulness that was all human, as shown with their obvious flaws and shortcomings, and more than human at the same time because each man expressed an instinct to want more out of life than what he could provide for himself. To me, it seemed that these sinners were reaching out for an intimate connection. A connection that only God can satisfy.
At the center of everything we do at Operation Integrity is a belief that God exists and that He is interested in having a meaningful relationship with all people. We believe that God has the human face of Jesus Christ and if you want to know God, you can know him through an honest encounter with Christ.
This is how it’s been for us at Operation Integrity. First, we admitted that we could not solve our problems on our own, no matter how hard we tried. Then, we asked God to do for us what we could not do for ourselves. The result was that when we were ready to change, God helped us by helping us to become different kind of people from what we were before. Operation Integrity is about recovery from destructive sexual behaviors and experiencing deep inter-personal change. We change organically, individually, and collectively in fellowship. Our willingness to change is the seed, an Operation Integrity fellowship is the fertile soil and God’s grace is both the sun and the rain which nourishes us, helping us to put our roots deep into the goodness of life. As we grow we learn to understand God’s grace to be his willingness to look beyond our failures. We begin to see ourselves and others for what God created us to be, his children. This change in our thinking helps us to become different in every way. We become the kind of people who no longer find it necessary to live in the destructive ways we’ve known in the past. In God’s grace, we learn to prefer goodness over bad.
The Operation Integrity process is not a formula but it is a strategic program. While specific results cannot be guaranteed as to exactly how one will change, we do see that the changes that happen in those who take part in the Operation Integrity program are both dramatic and undeniable. When we bring our honest desire to change into an Operation Integrity fellowship, God shows up and provides the miracles. These miracles happen in our hearts, in our minds and our lives.
Today, the Operation Integrity Recovery Group Program is available to everyone. What started with three men, meeting in a small backroom of a church, has grown into a refined, purposeful, expansive and inclusive program. The OI program is a program of fellowship and growth and rigorous personal honesty. In this kind of environment, and in this way, we believe that it’s possible for anyone to recover from their destructive sexual behaviors and to find increasing personal, emotional and spiritual integrity.
If you would like to start an Operation Integrity fellowship in your area, we can help you make it happen. Please go to the Start an OI Fellowship on the Operation Integrity homepage (http://www.operationintegrity.org/) for more information.